Lawrence of Aradia Street (1)

Lawrence was ass-parking on his back patio, de-reconstituting his orange juice.
If the bastards at the company didn't constitute it right the first time, he thought, why the fuck should they be given a second chance?
He put the stuff into a long tall container and added some cookies from the big biscuit tin in his pantry. The cookies soon squishified and the glug had a pretty odd new constitution indeed, which pleased Lawrence.
He then added some beef mince, set up the ready-made catapult and tape recorder, and ran inside to hide behind the futon.

"waaah! Waahhhhh! Take that bad baby nephew! I'm putting you in the blender! Waahhh! BVVVRRRTTTTTTTTTT. silence."
Phhhtwang! Hurl. Spludge.
And then Lawrence waited patiently.

* * *

Lawrence Jules Harvey was not stupid.

To make sure everybody knew this, he had constructed a large sign which stated "I am not stupid" and attatched it to his door. Lawrence never got the opportunity to find out if people agreed witht this assertion becuase he didn't get any visitors.

No visitors, that was, until the Heissmans moved in to the other half of the duplex where Lawrence lived.

Lawrence thought that the Heissmans spelt their name with two little dots above the i instead of one. This was becuase a bird had shat in exactly the right place on the Heissman's letterbox, and it meant that Lawrence assumed they were German.

Hans and Julie Heissman were most certaintly not German, but they were from Europe, and they didn't speak English. Lawrence's suspicion that they were German was not only reinforced, but proven by their non-Englishity.

Bing Bong! (do tiddle doo) Bing de Bong Bong Boo.

Lawrence hated his automated musical doorbell, but it was a clause of the rent, and Lawrence wasn't stupid. He was onto a good thing with this duplex. WAS onto a good thing that is, until Hans rocked up at his door this very narrative moment.

The first thing Hans said when Lawrence reluctantly answered the door was, "Please neighbour new hen-fucker I need not be truthful mistake of my speech English."

And Lawrence raised one eyebrow carefully. Then Hans pulled out a sheet of folded paper and put on a monocle. He then read from the paper.

"Excuse me from boothering you but I am you new next door. First of questions, why is you owning "I'm not stupid" sign on door pathway?"

Lawrence decided two things at this point, firstly, that Hans was German, and secondly, that Hans did not deserve his own "I'm not stupid" sign.